12 Steps to Survive an Arab Breakup

Feeling Like you’re starting over, having difficulty trusting again, having an identity crisis, various stages of grief are among the common symptoms people going through breakup often experience.. An Arab breakup is often more brutal than other breakups because for one we tend to make very calculated steps when it comes to our social life. Second, all Arab courtship are a public affair, there is no such thing as down-low. Those are based on real life lessons.
We know that the best way to survive this stage is to be ruthless and look out for number one, here’s how you go about it:

1. Make something up about her questionable stands on religion better yet believe those accusations yourself.
2. Never too late to start listening to Abdel Haleem Hafiz old songs, his songs and his personal life are nothing but a tragedy.
3. Become her/his mom/dad best friend. This will make the person that dumped you feel bad and you know their parent think their kids can never do anything right
4. Start a rumor about her family’s reputation, something about their women and male whores for brothers
5. Call her family animal haters–and that you love pooches. Tip PETA about how they keep sheep in their bedroom. You can also call them “impure” for having dogs inside their home.
6. Get your own hookah, it will be your best friend for a while and you know you will be sucking for a long time.
7. Box up all the things that he gave you, or that remind you of him. Put them in a box and donate them to benefit your local charity.
8. Cut off all contact with him for at least a month; this will help the healing process because you won’t be talking to him all the time. Again Gaza/Somalia would be good spots, the phone lines and Internet do not work over there.
9. Learn to make Kenfae (Arabic desert with cheese and noodles), the respect, love and admiration you will get from all your circle will compensate you for the love from that nameless ex. This single act alone is enough to give you an orgasm
10. Seduce her/his lesser attractive PhD holding sister/brother. This is not weird, creepy or anything, in Arabic they call that Naseeb! This is like spying on your ex but you get to look like a decent person doing it.
11. Exercise. Let all that endorphins leave your body, feel happier, and sexier. Boost your confidence. Better yet exercise while eating Kenafah.
12. Enlist in the US Army, hope for a US invasion of her home country, then bomb the hell out of her home.

[Tarboush Tip: Andrew]